5 As to Communicating Better with Your Child from an Educators Point of View

5 As to Communicating Better with Your Child from an Educators Point of View

As someone who works closely with children on a daily basis, I can attest that communicating with children is not an easy task. Throughout my years of working with children, I often get questions from parents such as, “How can I get closer to my son?”; “My children are always doing their own things but they never share with me” and “I know my daughter has ideas but she never wants to tell what is on her mind”. Here are tips to Communicating Better with your child.

Now, before I share my tips for communicating better with your child, I just want to clearly state that I am not a medical professional, paediatrician, an early childhood therapist or an expert in childhood behaviour. Different people might identify me differently, some may know me as a Communications Coach, some know me as an English Teacher and some may even recognise me as a Neurolanguage Coach®. But in its simplest form, I am an educator, and the tips I share in this article, are some tricks I have gathered from my years of dealing with students, self-learning and education and my encounters in the modern-day classroom.

However, be rest-assured that my tips are not just my sole opinion alone, but are based on researched data. Therefore, I shall be presenting my tips using ‘Rational Explanation’ and ‘Researched Explanation’. These are my 5As to communicating better with your child. 

Online learning Suka Studio

1. Active Conversations

Rational Explanation

As a teacher, I always try my best to ask open-ended questions to allow for active conversations. Active conversations though open-ended questions provide opportunities for children to speak their mind, express what they want to say fully and be connected with you. I strongly encourage parents to do the same as well, and you can do this at home by trying your best to avoid ‘Yes’ or No’ questions. Ask open-ended questions that require them to think, give opinions and explain themselves. By avoiding ‘Yes or No’ questions, you are preventing the conversation from reaching a dead-end too early, and allowing the conversation to expand and carry on. 

Another great way to promote active conversations is through active listening. Active listening means constantly giving signs to your child to show that you are listening. This can be done with non-verbal gestures such as eye contact, nodding and smiling. Moreover, every time your child finishes a point, rephrase or summarise what you understood from him or her before giving your comments. This will definitely boost your child’s confidence and reassure him or her that you care, you want to listen and that you understand what they are trying to tell you. 

Active conversations give way to a win-win situation. Your child is able to share their thoughts and build trust towards you, and you will be able to understand your child, and better gauge how your child thinks and sees this world. 

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Researched Explanation

Now, I did mention earlier that active conversation is a win for your child because they will be able to build trust towards you. Why is trust important? In 1943, an American psychologist by the name of Abraham Maslow organised and presented the needs of humans according to tiers and levels. There are three tiers in total and each tier has 2 levels. This famous representation is widely known as ‘Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs’. According to Maslow, the lower-tier needs down the hierarchy must be met first before attending to needs from the higher tiers. Coincidentally, the lowest tier of them all is called ‘Basic Needs’. In this tier, directly above physiological needs such as food, water, warmth and rest, is safety needs such as security and safety. This means that once the child is able to obtain their physiological needs such as food and water, the very next thing they want to obtain is feeling safe and feeling secure. We all know that home is the best place for us to feel safe, and to help enhance this feeling, is by being able to trust the people in it. That is where active conversations come in. With the help of open questions and active listening, your child will feel safe to talk to you and feel secure that you care about them, and this in turn helps fulfil their needs as a child. 

Talking to teenagers

2. Avoid the question ‘Why’

Rational Explanation

Throughout my experience as a Neurolanguage Coach®, I am always aware and careful of what I ask. Asking open-ended questions are important, but we must also be careful of what type of questions we ask. In Neurolanguage Coaching®, we always try our best to avoid asking the question ‘Why’. This is because when we ask the question ‘Why’, it can be very easily perceived as a threat or danger to your child. Asking the question ‘Why’ is so abstract and ambiguous that it will trigger an unconscious debate in your child’s mind on what the ‘right’ answer is, on whether their decisions and choices were ‘correct’ and the impact if their reasoning or rationale is wrong. A good way to substitute the word ‘why’ is to use the indirect approach such as asking “what is the reason”, “what is behind your choice of” and “what is it about this that you like?”. This is another but very effective tip to communicate better with your child.

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Researched Explanation

Humans have a very special response system called the ‘fight or flight’ response. The American Institute of Stress defines this system as a physiological reaction that occurs in the presence of something that is terrifying, either mentally or physically. The response is triggered by the release of hormones that prepare your body to either stay and deal with a threat or to run away to safety. When we ask our child the ‘Why’ question, it will trigger the fight or flight response because of their inert desire to belong. Educational consultant and speaker, Kendra Cherry tell us that humans have the emotional need to affiliate with and be accepted by members of a group. This can be in the form of friends in school, a sports team and even family. In addition, you may also realise that belongingness and love is also part of the psychological needs tier in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. In short, to communicate better with your child, ask them open questions to build trust, but avoid the question ‘Why’ as it may make them feel threatened and trigger the ‘fight or flight’ response. This may lead your child to leave the conversation, cut it short or hold things back. 

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3. Aware of signs

Rational Explanation

When communicating with our child, we must always be aware of the indirect signals our child is sending us. This can be in the form of non-verbal communication such as eye contact, hand gestures, facial expressions and their voice. As a parent, there are times when our child needs a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. They need you to support them by asking them ‘How was your day?” and “What can I do for you?”. There are times your child really wants to share something with you, but they are waiting for you to ask them the questions. However, there are also days when they just really need to be left alone. Based on my observations, one of the biggest mistake parents do is they want to get on with the problem-solving and the solutions, and they bombard their child with questions without considering their child’s needs. Do they want you to listen? Do they need a comforting hug? Or do they need some time alone to blow off some steam? Some parents ignore these questions because they want to solve the problem quickly, and they demand the answers immediately. This may lead to all sorts of effects such as denying that they have problems, they lie to get out of the uncomfortable ‘question and answer’ conversation or they choose to hold their feelings inside the next time they face a problem, instead of expressing them. Parents, there are times to be concerned, there are times we should ask questions and solve the problems, and there are also times we need to know when to stop. So, be aware of the signs, use them to your advantage and communicate better with your child.

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Researched Explanation

German-American psychologist and psychoanalyst, Erik Erikson developed the psychosocial theory of development. According to his theory, humans go through eight stages of psychosocial development, from infancy to adulthood. During each stage, the person experiences a psychosocial crisis which could have a positive or negative outcome for personality development. Based on this theory, teenagers aged 12 to 18 undergo the ‘Identity vs Role Confusion’ stage, in which they search for a sense of self and personal identity, through an intense exploration of personal values, beliefs, and goals. During this period, teenagers explore possibilities and begin to form their own identity based upon the outcome of their explorations. Failure to establish a sense of identity within can lead to role confusion, which involves not being sure about themselves, who they are or where they belong in the society. Because this is a time for balance as they transition from childhood to adulthood, they may face all kinds of conflicts, with themselves and other people. Therefore, as parents, we want to be there to support them and provide them comfort, have a better communication with our children, yet at the same time allowing them adequate space to explore, solve their conflicts and find their answers. When they face problems, be aware of the signs. Do they need your help or comfort? Is now the right time to ask questions and solve the issue? Or can it wait until your child is really ready? 

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4. Arrange for talking time

Rational Explanation

Honestly, I am not entirely sure how well this will work in improving your communication with your child as a parent, but this is a key classroom management technique that has been working for me as a teacher. I feel I should include this technique in this article because of the impacts of this technique and also I feel parents can relate to the reasoning behind this technique. 

Arranging talking time means connecting with your child on a personal level. Kids can be a handful at times. They have their own set of mischief and crazy ideas that get themselves into trouble or even hurt. As parents, it is our job to discipline them, and I am always for firmness and strict disciplining. Now, many might disagree with me, but as a child who was born and raised in Malaysia, I agree to verbal warnings, telling offs, scolding and even physical punishments such as caning. However, warning, scolding, telling off and caning alone is not complete disciplining, and that is where arranging for talking time comes in. As a teacher, I have been trained to always go back to the incident. It could be after class, during recess, before they go home or even the next day. After I discipline my students, I always have a one-on-one private conversation with them. I tell them the reasons behind my actions, the intentions of my actions, what I hope the actions will do for the student and so on. At the same time, I give ample space for the student to share their feelings, their opinions, and at the end of the conversation, I always strive to ensure we are back on good terms. I want the student to know I do not hate them, I do not dislike them, and that my disciplining is with the intention to help them become better people.

I strongly suggest parents to try this technique as well, especially the type of parents that are strict, firm and carry out tight disciplining. Complete the disciplining by giving some time for the child to blow off some steam, then arrange for a talking time to have better communication with your child, to ensure they have the right mindset, emotional state and intentions. 

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Researched Explanation

Social psychologist Rudolf Dreikurs introduced the Social Discipline Model, which is a classroom management model used by many teachers. According to Dreikurs model, teachers must be democratic by providing firm guidance and leadership. Dreikurs emphasises on firmness and kindness in disciplining and ensuring that limits and order is kept in place. At the same time, Dreikurs also states that teachers must build a close, healthy and democratic relationship with the children and that children behave with the motivation to belong. As teachers, we need to promote a sense of belonginess in the classroom, and one great way to do that is by building a good relationship and rapport with the student. When something bad happens, the first thing that must be prioritised is repairing that relationship. Similar to teaching, I feel parents can adopt this model to by ensuring firmness and kindness is emphasised at home. Ensure rules are set clearly and carried out efficiently. Although Dreikurs Model does state that discipline is not punishment, it does emphasise on repairing the relationship. I agree with this aspect, and whenever I do punish or discipline a child, I always ensure I arrange talking time to repair the relationship. 


5. Autonomy and Status

Rational Explanation

As they are growing up, children and teenagers constantly learn, explore and try new things. One thing that can really boost their motivation is when they do something successfully and feel a sense of achievement. Another great way to boost their motivation is by allowing them to shoulder certain responsibilities and allowing them to call the shots when it comes to certain decisions. It could be as simple as asking “What colour do you think would be suitable for the new curtains?” or “Where shall we go for this weekend’s picnic?” Children are always seeking for recognition and acknowledgement from their parents and when you uplift them by allowing them to make certain decisions, indirectly your relationship will be stronger and your communication with your child will be better. This is because they will feel that they have gained your trust, that you believe in them and that their words do carry weight. By doing this, they will open up more, express their thoughts and feelings more regularly and also share their visions and personal goals. There might be times when they make the wrong choices and decisions, but that is a part of the learning process. You can challenge them, you can correct them, but make sure you do it positively and constructively. Do not forget to also be aware of the signs and to arrange talking time if things do not work out. 


Researched Explanation

In 2008, David Rock introduced the SCARF Model which is a framework showing the most common areas in social situations in which a person feels threatened or feels positive. SCARD stands for the five key "domains" that influence our behaviour in social situations. According to the SCARF Model, humans feel more motivated when their status (S) is preserved. Parents should be sensitive and make their child feels respected. This includes listening to them actively, showing empathy and also providing positive and constructive feedback, especially to something that used up their time and energy. In terms of autonomy (A), show them that you trust them, that their words do carry weight and that you as their parents do believe them to make certain choices. If you are able to uplift their autonomy and status at home, your communication with your child will certainly improve. 


In conclusion, I sincerely hope this article has proven beneficial and useful for you. These 5As are my personal suggestions and opinions, and as I have mentioned earlier, they come from an ordinary educator. If these 5 As do prove to help you in boosting your communication with your child, please do share this article with your connections so they can benefit from it too. 

 







Clarence TessensohnCommunication, Parenting, Leadership, Child Psychology, Child Development, Interpersonal Relationships, Education, Teaching, CoachingComment